Where Did “I” Go?

I lost myself along the way. I don’t know how or why I let that authentic me fade away. Well, I guess I know why – because life got in the way, responsibilities, family, kids, divorce, financial and health issues and now look at me. Sometimes I feel like a shadowy figure of my true self. Where the hell did I go?

And who am I? When I dare to go within and reach down to the touchstone of who I am, there’s a void there that was once fulfilled and filled. Overflowing with life, enthusiasm, joy and love. Unafraid to say yes to life, to be goofy, to be present and to be herself. Confident to show her true self without fear. Feeling loved, self-love and appreciated by others. One who smiled without needing encouragement, connected easily with others and who loved life itself.

That self is a mere whisper, so faint that I can barely hear her and I don’t think you can either. But there’s an inner strength within her that is calling me out to write. To figure out how and if I can manage to navigate these coming troubled waters in regards to fixing the heart via surgery. Because yes, my heart is broken. But do I even want to try to go through western medicine to fix it?

There are a lot of layers to my pain and how I arrived at this juncture in my life. I’ve been peeling back the layers for awhile now, hoping to pinpoint the wrong fork in the road I chose so that I could get back on track. But that hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps it’s just as well for that wouldn’t change much. It would only increase the guilt of not being perfect in my choices.

I know I’m hard on myself. If you think I’m hard on you, think again, for I am way worse on me. Nothing I had thought my life would be has occurred the way I planned. Somewhere along the way, I lost me and I can’t find me again. I’m digging through the debris, but there’s no sign, no marker to even show I’m even digging in the vicinity.

God help me that I’m still trying even though there are moments when I want to bail and just let life continue on without modern medicine fixing me. Enjoy what little I have left and do it without fear of reprisal, judgment etc. but that’s not my reality at this point. Too many people rely on me for me to be so selfish, even though I’d like to dare it.

That’s how I’m feeling at this juncture. The evolution of finding me continues…a lifelong adventure that apparently is here to stay.

Just Existing

I think that’s how I can sum up how I feel lately. I’m just existing. Not exactly finding pleasure or joy in the world, but not terribly, nor completely miserable. Just existing. Like the bobber floating on the water’s surface, not really moving, but being moved occasionally by the fisherman (Universe?) or the circumstances. Either way, it’s like a blank sheet of paper without a pen. A holding pattern with no trail to follow.

I know it’s all going to change shortly as I’m scheduled for open heart surgery in the near future. I’ve already had a few health circumstances that shook my world up and turned it upside down. I’m sure that this one will do similarly. So I guess I should be happy that I’m in this sorta steady holding pattern at the moment. But I’m not.

I don’t want to just exist here on this planet. I know from whence I come and I want to go back. While I won’t take my own life, there are times where I just don’t want to be here and I wonder if people who know me in real life understand that at all. Or even are aware of it.

I have told a few trusted spiritually ascending friends. I believe they understand and I know of one who feels similarly. But the majority just don’t get it and when/if I bring up that perhaps my time here is up, they immediately begin to tell me how much I mean to them, how I have to fight for my health and how it’s all going to be ok.

I want to scoff aloud, but I don’t because I know they are well-meaning and truly feel that way. But the bigger picture is that I lost my will to live awhile back. My heart’s been broken for awhile now. Even though I’d like to be here for my children, it feels like too much energy to exert on this broken-hearted body which barely has enough energy to get up each morning and function in the basics.

People don’t understand all that I’ve endured, nor do they get what’s really coming for me with the open heart surgery and healing process afterwards. It’s easy to throw the words around that they’ll be here, keep me in their prayers etc., but it’s me who’s fighting that battle to heal. I just don’t know if I care to do it.

Does that make me lazy? Mean? Careless? Selfish? or simply truthful?

The Theraphi Experience

I had a session of Theraphi almost two months ago. Have you ever heard of Theraphi? You can read about it here. It’s a healing modality, but my world got turned upside down in that session like it never had before, nor since.

You see, I left my body. I felt my human suit open (unzipped by the group of white beings surrounding the table I was lying on) and my light body inside began to float up into the sky. I felt like I was flying. I saw and experienced, the clouds, the sky, the sun, the stars, and finally landed on another planet. I believe it was Venus.

Then, I left that planet and moved beyond our galaxy. Soaring in my light body for what seemed like ages, through the darkness glittering with beautifully full stars, I landed again, beyond our knowingness onto another plane. There, I was greeted by other similar light bodies who welcomed me.

I was home!! I KNEW I was home. As they gathered around me, I felt a such an incredible whoosh of peace and knowledge. As if I had no more questions; I knew everything there was to know about life. All knowing and so comfortable there, I rejoiced with them. Finally feeling as if I were home again. I remember smiling throughout my entire being with utter peace, love and light within me. I was the most happy, content, at peace, I had ever remembered being.

However, that peaceful contentment was disturbed when I was ‘told’ telepathically, that I had to return (to earth), that I had a job to do, that I knew I had signed up for it and it wasn’t completed. But I didn’t want to go back. I wanted to stay. With a part of my soul that felt as if it were ripped from me, I felt as if I suddenly and clunkily landed back into the human suit where white beings who were surrounding me were stuffing clouds into the human suit around my light body and zipping me back up again in order to be presentable to the earth. (Their last words to me were ‘zircon’ which I later purchased and now wear around my neck.)

I remember stirring when the Theraphi operator came into the room to let me know that my time was up. Only 15 minutes had passed since I had laid on the table, but time had been warped for the experience. When I opened my eyes, I knew I was back and began to cry. While I understood that my fate was to be returned here to complete the soul journey, I didn’t want to accept it. Everything felt differently now that I was back from the experience. I knew that I didn’t belong here. I felt utterly isolated from the human experience and the seemingly 3D human crisis’ that I hadn’t wanted to deal with before this return from my ‘home’ and people. The otherworldly feeling has continued with me to this day.

It has not been easy living this way.

Ch- Ch- Ch- Changes

We all hold the tenacity to remain stuck our limiting beliefs, thoughts and story. Breaking out of those minute details often requires a spiritual sledgehammer of sorts and a friend on whom you can rely for being honest, centered and open to your desire to follow the path. Sometimes we need someone who will hold steady as the majority of people prefer the path of least resistance when it comes to changes. Because that’s the way most of us view change. But that’s not always the case.

We’ll sooner acquiesce to change as long as it doesn’t upset us dramatically in any way. Slow moving change is often preferable because we can ease into new thinking and expand our horizons bit by bit instead of bearing one of those huge changes that feels like it wipes out all that we thought we knew and the playing field changes immediately with one solid whack. While those are not fun, sometimes they’re necessary and the Universe delivers. Believe me, I have a few Universal whacks over my lifetime. I assume that it was because I wasn’t getting the subtle messages of change so there was no other way. I was plodding through life without something to shake me up, clear out the cobwebs of outdated ways of thinking and so in one grand swoop, there was no going back to it.

I find ascension that way as well. A cha cha dance of sorts with one step up, two steps back and maybe a little twirling before we start the music again. Best done with a partner in order to help us process what is going on and to be able to mirror the observer point of view when it gets sticky. Lucky for me, I have a few partners and we all collaborate in different ways. Each brings their own special wisdom to the dance, their specialty in order to help us all to rise from 3D to 5D.

How are you doing with these changes? Are you aware of them? Dreading them? Or on the fence about embracing them? Have you started down that path of no return to 3D or are you unaware of the changes that are moving through powerfully at this time?

How I Change

I met for coffee outside with a good friend recently. It was really cold outside, so we bundled up and sat out on the patio sipping hot coffee and actually enjoying the winter weather. We talked for a long time, each of us loving being outside with nature. The hawk made his appearance as he usually does when she comes over to visit. While I see the hawk often, he catches my eye more and more often when she’s here. I have to look up the spiritual wisdom of hawk. A post for another day.

But as it happens with us often, we began sharing the Woo Woo updates that are happening to us. Each of us had similar physical and mental symptoms as I’ve talked about in prior posts. Both of us had touches of what we worried were the beginnings of the dreaded Covid, but much to our delight and relief, we believe they were Ascension Symptoms because as fast as they came on, they were released.

Spiritual downloads are like that in a way. The physical body changes as the energies move through us. We are given that surge which can feel like extreme exhaustion or fogginess mentally as whatever updates are received. It sounds like a computer update, doesn’t it? But that’s what I am understanding. We are spiritually being updated in order to move from 3D to 5D, each in our own way and on our own divine timing.

While we were talking outside, I felt the Knowing as she was explaining a situation to me. I do remember looking at her and listening as the chatter began in my mind. The Knowing as I refer to it was talking to me at the same time that she was. When she stopped talking, I began to tell her what I heard/know. I channeled a message to her that she needed to know. When we were done and had moved beyond that part of the conversation, she told me how I change.

Remember how I said this friend told me when she knew I was getting a Knowing message? She had said I change physically, but I hadn’t asked how. Today she told me that while she was talking she observed my face go blank and my eyes almost seemed to cross. I laughed aloud. Yikes! I must seem to look very odd! But she said she recognized the look and knew it was the Knowing. And it was.

While I’m not thrilled that I must look a mess when it happens, I am grateful for the knowledge. She is very spiritual herself so it is a comfort to know that she recognizes that it’s happening to me. I am also grateful that when I tell her the message I’ve received, even when it may be difficult to deliver, that she understands it is from a higher realm.

When I am in the zone of Knowing, I feel almost above my body if that makes sense. Additionally when I tag a post as being channelled, please know that it is the Knowing that takes over the keyboard and writes through me to you. More and more I am finding that it is happening with me and I feel as if I am able to help others through this experience.

The Winds of Change

When the winds pick up, I often feel them physically, mentally and emotionally. My connection to nature and to my surroundings affects me in different ways. A migraine can result from a windy day as well as feeling distressed, not centered and untethered. I cannot fight the winds for I know that they are bringing to me change, whether I like it or not, whether I embrace the opportunity or not. It’s there and until I surrender and release my resistance, it will continue to plague me.

What you resist, persists…

Often the winds of change are a clearing mechanism to set the record straight, to get rid of the debris that holds us back and to clear a path for our continued journey. That is what has been happening to me. While I find it difficult at times to trust in the surrendering, the releasing, I know that letting go is the right choice for me and the winds are here to aid me.

So I allowed the winds to blow away what isn’t mine by Divine Right. I released and surrendered to what is flowing from me and embraced what is flowing to me, through me, with the belief that I may remain centered, grounded, and calm even in a storm.

Are you feeling the winds of change in your life as well? What is here for you when you listen to your heart, your mind, your spirit, your soul and your physical body? Do you weep or are you joyfully embracing the changes?

I Look To The Light

In troubled times, I look to the light. For the Light shines even in the darkest of days. It is only through the darkness that we can truly see the Light so while troubled times feel dark (and they are) there is hope still shining.

A new dawn, the sunset, the moon rise and the cyclical time line that begets days and nights, seasons and years continues. Like breath, we find ourselves comfortably numb to the magic that is life. We dissolve our tears and disappointments and forget about counting our blessings. Seeing the bigger picture and not concentrating on the trials and tribulations of the human experience.

We chose down into our shells and withdraw. We allow negativity to loop and feel as if there is no place to go. We lose our energetic wisdom and ties to the Light. We lose ourselves in the infinite changing world.

I look to the Light when this happens. Innately as with breathing, I come back to Source as my centeredness increases. I find strength in the Light. My powerful source of union with all that is mine by Divine Right. With the enthusiasm of a child surprised by an overnight snow, I feel the magic of healing releasing me from the tethers of darkness to rise again and shine.

The Light and the Darkness work in tandem to help us. I do not fear the Darkness in the same way as others do. Darkness is the helpful reminder to me that there is Light. Yin and Yang. The duality of life experiences as we human beings walk this path on the earth.

As beacons of the Light, we connect with each other without fear. We bond in our humanity, our frailties and our strengths. Each helping the other on this life journey. For all of our circumstances are similar – each with its own set of characters, situations and pains, but jointly as a growing experience. I can understand your story as you can understand mine when we connect with Light.

We ascend en masse though perhaps each at his/her own speed. A helping hand, a listening ear, a compassionate heart and with wisdom through our own personal experiences we rise together. Lighting the way for the others.

Peripheral Visions

I have always been able to see out of the corner of my eyes. Growing up in our old 100+ year old home, I saw figures of people. My parents thought I was strange and as I’ve mentioned before, I stopped telling them and tried to not share that part of me because it wasn’t understood. It seemed that I lost it for a bit and continued on with the human experience of life. The lessons, the lower vibrations and the day to day stuff that can consume us.

About eight years ago the figures began returning. In my peripheral vision I would see something move, a figure, but when I turned my head it would be gone. There were various ones that I observed. Around the time that my father passed, there was a small white one that would peer around the corner in my kitchen. At that same time there would be little things that were moved in the home. It was as if this one was mischievous, but not meaning any harm. Just wanting to be noticed and acknowledged. Playing tricks as it were until I began to talk with it and ask it to return what it had hidden…and it did. I enjoyed that figure, but it didn’t stay. I don’t know what happened to it, but after awhile, I didn’t see it anymore.

A few years later, my life changed again and with that change, I began seeing the figures again in my peripheral vision. However, these were similar to my childhood ones – some not friendly and others were. The unfriendly ones concerned me.

One in particular was big and dark and I got a menacing feeling from that one. It repeated its appearances until I told it to leave. My kids even had experiences with that one as well. I never even knew they had the gift that I had as we had never discussed it. Imagine my surprise when they sat me to down to tell me what they’d been seeing. It was a great confirmation for me that it wasn’t just my imagination, but that I/we were seeing someone/something.

Our cats also knew they were there. Staring intently and sometimes even abruptly meowing a warning to us or getting up and running away from it. Cats see and feel more than we do. Have you heard that as well?

Do you ‘see’ spirits? Do you have experiences with seeing something out of the corner of your eye? Or even head on seeing it? I’ve had that as well! What was the sensation you felt when you had that experience?

Jasmine

The smell of night blooming jasmine appears and I am taken back to fond memories. Simply, with a whiff of the fragrance, I am transported to simpler days and a young love that I have never forgotten.

I often wonder if it is on a cellular level that these precious moments exist, combining their effervescence with whiffs of memories to surround me with the loving embrace I crave. Whilst I cannot go back to that time, nor place, nor person, there is a calling to me today for that feeling again.

Change is here to be embraced. Letting go of all that is not in the present. Wishing and hoping, basking in past glories – neither suits me. Firmly my feet are planted in the present moment with that spiritual fragrance wafting in the winds.

I Am An Intuitive and I Channel

It has been difficult for me to utter these words aloud to the public because even though many people have called me an intuitive or declared that I have a Knowing, I hesitate to use the word intuitive. Why? I don’t know. But that’s a fairly common word that most people are familiar with so it makes sense to use it. But I’d prefer Knowing…even though it’s only my term for what happens.

Strangely I refer to the Knowing as them (plural they) because it feels right. But is this a ‘them’ as opposed to a ‘he’ or ‘she’ or ‘it’? I don’t know. I don’t even hear their voices as much as telepathically hear (Know) their messages. And woe to me if I don’t deliver them when they are put bluntly or when I try to couch the message to make it a little softer.

Nope, they are having none of that. I refer to them getting louder in my head even though the volume of the message doesn’t increase, except it does. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you. But that’s how it is for me. The message becomes more insistent until it is delivered.

I can also channel their messages to me. I have channeled posts here. What do I mean by that? Well, I get the inspiration to write a post and then my fingers seem to take on a life of their own and type away until they stop. When I read what I have typed, I realize that this isn’t my vocabulary nor sentence structure. It’s channeled from them. While it doesn’t happen often, it does happen and I will continue to share when advised.

Scientifically, we have a part of the brain that is especially prominent in women for creativity and intuition. We all have intuition although we may call it by different names. That ‘sixth sense’ when you feel uncomfortable with a stranger or you get the ‘idea’ that pops into your head to change your routine – ie. your normal driving trip – only to find out later you missed a big pile up on the highway, etc.

Have you ever followed your intuition? You can grow it when you’re ready. You just have to be open to listening to your inner Knowing. It’s all a part of REMEVOLUTION – The Evolution of Remembering Me.