Tag: subconscious mind

Navigating The Anticipation Of What If

Published on by remevolution2020Leave a comment

I don’t know how to navigate this time in my life. I’m scheduled for Open Heart Surgery in a few weeks which is a major surgery due to a genetic defect that I’ve had my whole life. I never knew I had this problem even though the signs were all there. No doctor ever figured it out and what I had always thought was normal for me – fainting, low blood pressure and a heart murmur – I’ve suddenly found out isn’t normal. Who knew? Family always thought I was over-dramatic because I was always tired. They thought I was lazy. I have a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue due to cancer, radiation, multiple surgeries and chemotherapy, but that made no difference to them.

I’m exhausted, even more exhausted than usual now that I have this worrisome anticipation of upcoming surgery. Emotional, physical, mental and on a soul level, I’m distraught. I’ve always been a planner so this has totally changed me because there are so many ‘what if’s’ involved in this procedure that I can’t wrap my head around it.

I swing from not wanting to stay here on this plane to wanting to fight my way to health. There’s no middle ground for me. It’s as if I’m on a roller coaster mentally. I’m not sleeping well as I guess my subconscious is trying to work out everything while I’m asleep. I want to push away all of the kind-hearted friendships I have and at the same time, I want someone to take care of me, baby me, hold me and help me. It’s not easy being in this situation. Not easy for them, nor me. I don’t think my kids can grasp the idea either and they’ve been through a lot with me.

Maintaining a steady course feels impossible. I’ve been reading, researching and that has caused a lot of fear to massively inch its way into my psyche. Sure, I realize people have this surgery everyday and I’m not an abnormality as so many people tell me stories about people they know who have had the surgery and ‘been fine’ afterwards. I don’t care to hear any more stories. I know that sounds selfish, but I can’t handle it.

I’m frustrating, I know that. I can’t even keep up with how I feel moment to moment so how could anyone else?

Tommie

Published on by remevolution20205 Comments

When I was a little girl, after my Mom came in to say my prayers with me, turned off the light, kissed my forehead and told me to go to sleep, I would still stay awake and talk to Tommie. I don’t recall when I first began talking to Tommie, but even as a young age, I remember talking with Tommie before I closed my eyes.

I would recount my day to Tommie every night. When I was very young, I would whisper to Tommie, but that evolved into just talking with her in my mind. Especially after my Mom came in one night and asked me who I was talking with and I replied Tommie. My Mom’s reaction didn’t go well. She had a hard time understanding my explanation and so I began to just converse with Tommie in my mind without speaking outloud.

My sister had an imaginary friend who was around her age, but that wasn’t Tommie. She was not a playmate. She had more of a motherly kindness to her. She listened with a compassionate heart and sometimes gave me tidbits of wisdom.

I remember just telling her about my day and as a child it was about school, my friends and even about my family and what I had for dinner. But I also remember talking with her about what worried me and it always seemed that even though I could never see her, she soothed me. She didn’t speak to me outloud. I never heard her voice in my ear. Instead it was as if we spoke telepathically. I knew what she said to me.

I have often wondered if she were a figment of my imagination, but I truly doubt it. Whether she’s a deceased relative, a spirit guide, a guardian angel or perhaps even my subconscious, I don’t know for sure. She stayed with me until my early teens when I didn’t take the time to pray as much before bedtime. It wasn’t that she left me, but that my family teased me about my strange abilities so I turned away from them deliberately. Now I’m feeling as though they are returning.

I haven’t thought of Tommie in years so I’m finding it so interesting that she came to mind today. Throughout the years since childhood, I have always felt a presence in my life. It seems that suddenly I am emerging again into that place of knowing and awareness.

I am excited to return to Me again….

The Evolution of Remembering Me….