Category: heart

It’s Friday?

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I awoke this morning after a disturbing sleep, very early in the morning and completely discombobulated. I had no idea upon opening my eyes where I was, and I was a little shaky on who I was. I didn’t know what day it was either.

I looked to my watch to see it was around 6am and then tried really hard to figure out what day it was. I finally gave up and checked my phone which was next to me. As I slowly acclimated to my surroundings and who I am in this lifetime, I couldn’t shake the feeling that ‘I don’t belong here’ and the remnants of last night’s disturbing sleep hung tightly to me.

It’s been awhile, and I mean a loooong time since I’ve had anything like this so I immediately opened the computer to type. Hoping to find some sort of message if I allowed the Knowing to type. It’s strange though, even the English words I’m typing don’t look quite right to me.

Last night I was fighting with my cat who was insistent on sleeping on me. She wanted to lay on my chest and purr, but her weight makes it difficult for me with her cat paws to be comfortable as she walks on me especially after having had open heart surgery a few months ago. She was bumping her head against me periodically, but I’ve had instances when she’s done that and then for some reason given me a slight nip (graze only) and I didn’t want that, so I kept pulling my extremities under the covers to protect me. In the midst of all of that which went on for quite awhile and repeatedly throughout the night, I was dreaming/ nightmaring a lot of crazy stuff. I had a new job and was young and had to park my car, but there were no spaces available. When I found a garage, that was supposed to give me a discount, they refused. I tried to just pay full price as I was going to be late for work and the owner/manager wouldn’t let me park there and pay full price and told me to leave. I couldn’t do what I just wanted to do so that I could get to work on time even though it would cost me more unnecessarily. I ended up leaving the garage and trying to park on the street where there were no spaces available. I was so frustrated. People were honking at me. Yelling at me. I was beginning to cry and I woke up….to the cat walking on my chest purring slightly and apparently trying to get comfortable while I was trying to get comfortable too.

Not a good night. I now know it’s Friday. And I’ve fed the cat breakfast so I have some quiet time without interruption. I have a full day ahead, but my nerves are scattered and edgy. My heart is beating quickly even though I know who I am, where I am, etc. I hope I’m not having a heart attack. I wish my heart would stop its quickstep and just beat normally. My fingers have been numb lately and I’ve got neuropathy. I have a pimple inside my nose which hurts so much and I’m stuffed up in my nose and lungs.

I wonder if it’s all related?

Lion’s Gate Opening

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August 8th is better known in spiritual circles as Lion’s Gate. If you search Lion’s Gate, I’m sure you will be inundated with information so I shan’t repeat it here. That would be boring, especially if you’re already in the know.

Instead, my concentration is on The Evolution of Remembering Me – REMEVOLUTION – which ties into the spiritual wave that happens today. The leaving behind and gathering of those who will continue on in this next chapter in their evolution of ascension. If you want to come along, I’ll save a seat for you.

It’s almost 8 weeks since I had open heart surgery. A few days ago I quit taking the meds that I didn’t feel were good for me. I’ve done that before with breast cancer before as well as I’m not a fan of pill popping. But yesterday I was back to the cardiologist who gave me two new prescriptions which if you knew me, you’d know I despise. We shall see how long I take them.

The last few nights I’ve had dream visitors – people whom I haven’t thought of in years as well as deceased relatives. In last night’s dream, I was pregnant, sitting at a table with my deceased parents. I think I was my current age which is past prime for childbearing. The ‘father’ of my unborn child was there as well, but I can’t tell you who he is. I have a feeling he’s my first love, a man who holds a special spot in my heart. But why he was there, I do not know as of yet. And how I could be pregnant? LOL

Interestingly, my deceased father gave me money. Across the table he put down a fan of bills which I knew was more than the $200 needed for a massage because I remember saying that I was uncomfortable in my body and it was suggested that I get a massage but I didn’t want to spend the money on it. My father would rarely surprise us with money as he didn’t have a lot himself. But he did treat me a few times when he was alive because I needed financial help. He did it secretly and nobody knew for which I’m grateful.

The veil seems very thin with this supermoon. They are around and showing themselves if you begin to notice (and they want you to notice)!

Spiritual Process

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Why can’t I get to a place of peace? If I know that what is meant to be will happen and I have trust and faith in God/Universe, then why am I questioning everything I’m feeling? It’s the human experience I think that has me choking on all that I know innately.

I’m suffering in anticipation, fear and pain. Worrying about myself and all with whom I’ve connected. Wanting to write letters to everyone before the surgery so they know how much I appreciate them. Giving wisdom to my children in the form of a letter in case I don’t make it. How freaking dramatic can I be?

I used to follow a man who had ALS, who wrote his blogs using his eye movement as he couldn’t speak nor move. He was so inspiring that I cried when his wife posted that he had passed away. He was extraordinary, full of faith and love. Beyond the common man, he had found peace and shared it with us all. He was unshaken hope even though he was trapped in this body. His soul was amazingly full of wisdom which he shared freely. How I wish I could read his blog again because I could definitely use that infusion of hope.

I look at my worn out body, tracked with scars like major railroad crossings. I anticipate even more scars after the next surgery. How much can the human body endure I wonder? Do I have the strength to do it?

What If?

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What if this is my ending? What if I only have a few weeks left in which to make memories with those whom I love? What if something goes terribly wrong in my surgery? There are no guarantees, which I understand.

I harken back to my first cancer surgery and I remember vividly hugging my now ex-husband, thinking the worst. Like this could be the last time. I had two little kids at home who were blissfully unaware that their mom had really bad cancer. With the first surgery I didn’t stop breathing on the OR table, but in a subsequent one, I did. While they revived me, and I didn’t know for awhile that it had even happened (nobody told me), I fear the worst again.

What if…

Part of me thinks, well, then that’s it. Pack it up and move to the stars. I wouldn’t be able to change anything anyway. So why put effort into the fear? I’ve always thought we have a predestined death date that will come no matter what. So, why am I so fearful that this may be it? If I can be at peace, knowing that I have done all that I could in this lifetime then, so be it.

But I know I haven’t done all I could have. And yet, where does this leave me?

Back to square one…searching for answers, hence my posting on my blog.

Thanks for reading…and letting me process.

Navigating The Anticipation Of What If

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I don’t know how to navigate this time in my life. I’m scheduled for Open Heart Surgery in a few weeks which is a major surgery due to a genetic defect that I’ve had my whole life. I never knew I had this problem even though the signs were all there. No doctor ever figured it out and what I had always thought was normal for me – fainting, low blood pressure and a heart murmur – I’ve suddenly found out isn’t normal. Who knew? Family always thought I was over-dramatic because I was always tired. They thought I was lazy. I have a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue due to cancer, radiation, multiple surgeries and chemotherapy, but that made no difference to them.

I’m exhausted, even more exhausted than usual now that I have this worrisome anticipation of upcoming surgery. Emotional, physical, mental and on a soul level, I’m distraught. I’ve always been a planner so this has totally changed me because there are so many ‘what if’s’ involved in this procedure that I can’t wrap my head around it.

I swing from not wanting to stay here on this plane to wanting to fight my way to health. There’s no middle ground for me. It’s as if I’m on a roller coaster mentally. I’m not sleeping well as I guess my subconscious is trying to work out everything while I’m asleep. I want to push away all of the kind-hearted friendships I have and at the same time, I want someone to take care of me, baby me, hold me and help me. It’s not easy being in this situation. Not easy for them, nor me. I don’t think my kids can grasp the idea either and they’ve been through a lot with me.

Maintaining a steady course feels impossible. I’ve been reading, researching and that has caused a lot of fear to massively inch its way into my psyche. Sure, I realize people have this surgery everyday and I’m not an abnormality as so many people tell me stories about people they know who have had the surgery and ‘been fine’ afterwards. I don’t care to hear any more stories. I know that sounds selfish, but I can’t handle it.

I’m frustrating, I know that. I can’t even keep up with how I feel moment to moment so how could anyone else?