Why can’t I get to a place of peace? If I know that what is meant to be will happen and I have trust and faith in God/Universe, then why am I questioning everything I’m feeling? It’s the human experience I think that has me choking on all that I know innately.
I’m suffering in anticipation, fear and pain. Worrying about myself and all with whom I’ve connected. Wanting to write letters to everyone before the surgery so they know how much I appreciate them. Giving wisdom to my children in the form of a letter in case I don’t make it. How freaking dramatic can I be?
I used to follow a man who had ALS, who wrote his blogs using his eye movement as he couldn’t speak nor move. He was so inspiring that I cried when his wife posted that he had passed away. He was extraordinary, full of faith and love. Beyond the common man, he had found peace and shared it with us all. He was unshaken hope even though he was trapped in this body. His soul was amazingly full of wisdom which he shared freely. How I wish I could read his blog again because I could definitely use that infusion of hope.
I look at my worn out body, tracked with scars like major railroad crossings. I anticipate even more scars after the next surgery. How much can the human body endure I wonder? Do I have the strength to do it?
What if this is my ending? What if I only have a few weeks left in which to make memories with those whom I love? What if something goes terribly wrong in my surgery? There are no guarantees, which I understand.
I harken back to my first cancer surgery and I remember vividly hugging my now ex-husband, thinking the worst. Like this could be the last time. I had two little kids at home who were blissfully unaware that their mom had really bad cancer. With the first surgery I didn’t stop breathing on the OR table, but in a subsequent one, I did. While they revived me, and I didn’t know for awhile that it had even happened (nobody told me), I fear the worst again.
Part of me thinks, well, then that’s it. Pack it up and move to the stars. I wouldn’t be able to change anything anyway. So why put effort into the fear? I’ve always thought we have a predestined death date that will come no matter what. So, why am I so fearful that this may be it? If I can be at peace, knowing that I have done all that I could in this lifetime then, so be it.
But I know I haven’t done all I could have. And yet, where does this leave me?
Back to square one…searching for answers, hence my posting on my blog.
Thanks for reading…and letting me process.
I don’t know how to navigate this time in my life. I’m scheduled for Open Heart Surgery in a few weeks which is a major surgery due to a genetic defect that I’ve had my whole life. I never knew I had this problem even though the signs were all there. No doctor ever figured it out and what I had always thought was normal for me – fainting, low blood pressure and a heart murmur – I’ve suddenly found out isn’t normal. Who knew? Family always thought I was over-dramatic because I was always tired. They thought I was lazy. I have a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue due to cancer, radiation, multiple surgeries and chemotherapy, but that made no difference to them.
I’m exhausted, even more exhausted than usual now that I have this worrisome anticipation of upcoming surgery. Emotional, physical, mental and on a soul level, I’m distraught. I’ve always been a planner so this has totally changed me because there are so many ‘what if’s’ involved in this procedure that I can’t wrap my head around it.
I swing from not wanting to stay here on this plane to wanting to fight my way to health. There’s no middle ground for me. It’s as if I’m on a roller coaster mentally. I’m not sleeping well as I guess my subconscious is trying to work out everything while I’m asleep. I want to push away all of the kind-hearted friendships I have and at the same time, I want someone to take care of me, baby me, hold me and help me. It’s not easy being in this situation. Not easy for them, nor me. I don’t think my kids can grasp the idea either and they’ve been through a lot with me.
Maintaining a steady course feels impossible. I’ve been reading, researching and that has caused a lot of fear to massively inch its way into my psyche. Sure, I realize people have this surgery everyday and I’m not an abnormality as so many people tell me stories about people they know who have had the surgery and ‘been fine’ afterwards. I don’t care to hear any more stories. I know that sounds selfish, but I can’t handle it.
I’m frustrating, I know that. I can’t even keep up with how I feel moment to moment so how could anyone else?