Why can’t I get to a place of peace? If I know that what is meant to be will happen and I have trust and faith in God/Universe, then why am I questioning everything I’m feeling? It’s the human experience I think that has me choking on all that I know innately.

I’m suffering in anticipation, fear and pain. Worrying about myself and all with whom I’ve connected. Wanting to write letters to everyone before the surgery so they know how much I appreciate them. Giving wisdom to my children in the form of a letter in case I don’t make it. How freaking dramatic can I be?

I used to follow a man who had ALS, who wrote his blogs using his eye movement as he couldn’t speak nor move. He was so inspiring that I cried when his wife posted that he had passed away. He was extraordinary, full of faith and love. Beyond the common man, he had found peace and shared it with us all. He was unshaken hope even though he was trapped in this body. His soul was amazingly full of wisdom which he shared freely. How I wish I could read his blog again because I could definitely use that infusion of hope.

I look at my worn out body, tracked with scars like major railroad crossings. I anticipate even more scars after the next surgery. How much can the human body endure I wonder? Do I have the strength to do it?