Just Existing

I think that’s how I can sum up how I feel lately. I’m just existing. Not exactly finding pleasure or joy in the world, but not terribly, nor completely miserable. Just existing. Like the bobber floating on the water’s surface, not really moving, but being moved occasionally by the fisherman (Universe?) or the circumstances. Either way, it’s like a blank sheet of paper without a pen. A holding pattern with no trail to follow.

I know it’s all going to change shortly as I’m scheduled for open heart surgery in the near future. I’ve already had a few health circumstances that shook my world up and turned it upside down. I’m sure that this one will do similarly. So I guess I should be happy that I’m in this sorta steady holding pattern at the moment. But I’m not.

I don’t want to just exist here on this planet. I know from whence I come and I want to go back. While I won’t take my own life, there are times where I just don’t want to be here and I wonder if people who know me in real life understand that at all. Or even are aware of it.

I have told a few trusted spiritually ascending friends. I believe they understand and I know of one who feels similarly. But the majority just don’t get it and when/if I bring up that perhaps my time here is up, they immediately begin to tell me how much I mean to them, how I have to fight for my health and how it’s all going to be ok.

I want to scoff aloud, but I don’t because I know they are well-meaning and truly feel that way. But the bigger picture is that I lost my will to live awhile back. My heart’s been broken for awhile now. Even though I’d like to be here for my children, it feels like too much energy to exert on this broken-hearted body which barely has enough energy to get up each morning and function in the basics.

People don’t understand all that I’ve endured, nor do they get what’s really coming for me with the open heart surgery and healing process afterwards. It’s easy to throw the words around that they’ll be here, keep me in their prayers etc., but it’s me who’s fighting that battle to heal. I just don’t know if I care to do it.

Does that make me lazy? Mean? Careless? Selfish? or simply truthful?

2 thoughts on “Just Existing

  1. I had a vision of monkey bars as a way I’m exist now. Reaching from one to the other, one visit with the kids to another, and that’s pretty much the extent of my life. Just hanging on.

    Liked by 1 person

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