Spiritual Process

Why can’t I get to a place of peace? If I know that what is meant to be will happen and I have trust and faith in God/Universe, then why am I questioning everything I’m feeling? It’s the human experience I think that has me choking on all that I know innately.

I’m suffering in anticipation, fear and pain. Worrying about myself and all with whom I’ve connected. Wanting to write letters to everyone before the surgery so they know how much I appreciate them. Giving wisdom to my children in the form of a letter in case I don’t make it. How freaking dramatic can I be?

I used to follow a man who had ALS, who wrote his blogs using his eye movement as he couldn’t speak nor move. He was so inspiring that I cried when his wife posted that he had passed away. He was extraordinary, full of faith and love. Beyond the common man, he had found peace and shared it with us all. He was unshaken hope even though he was trapped in this body. His soul was amazingly full of wisdom which he shared freely. How I wish I could read his blog again because I could definitely use that infusion of hope.

I look at my worn out body, tracked with scars like major railroad crossings. I anticipate even more scars after the next surgery. How much can the human body endure I wonder? Do I have the strength to do it?

What If?

What if this is my ending? What if I only have a few weeks left in which to make memories with those whom I love? What if something goes terribly wrong in my surgery? There are no guarantees, which I understand.

I harken back to my first cancer surgery and I remember vividly hugging my now ex-husband, thinking the worst. Like this could be the last time. I had two little kids at home who were blissfully unaware that their mom had really bad cancer. With the first surgery I didn’t stop breathing on the OR table, but in a subsequent one, I did. While they revived me, and I didn’t know for awhile that it had even happened (nobody told me), I fear the worst again.

What if…

Part of me thinks, well, then that’s it. Pack it up and move to the stars. I wouldn’t be able to change anything anyway. So why put effort into the fear? I’ve always thought we have a predestined death date that will come no matter what. So, why am I so fearful that this may be it? If I can be at peace, knowing that I have done all that I could in this lifetime then, so be it.

But I know I haven’t done all I could have. And yet, where does this leave me?

Back to square one…searching for answers, hence my posting on my blog.

Thanks for reading…and letting me process.

Navigating The Anticipation Of What If

I don’t know how to navigate this time in my life. I’m scheduled for Open Heart Surgery in a few weeks which is a major surgery due to a genetic defect that I’ve had my whole life. I never knew I had this problem even though the signs were all there. No doctor ever figured it out and what I had always thought was normal for me – fainting, low blood pressure and a heart murmur – I’ve suddenly found out isn’t normal. Who knew? Family always thought I was over-dramatic because I was always tired. They thought I was lazy. I have a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue due to cancer, radiation, multiple surgeries and chemotherapy, but that made no difference to them.

I’m exhausted, even more exhausted than usual now that I have this worrisome anticipation of upcoming surgery. Emotional, physical, mental and on a soul level, I’m distraught. I’ve always been a planner so this has totally changed me because there are so many ‘what if’s’ involved in this procedure that I can’t wrap my head around it.

I swing from not wanting to stay here on this plane to wanting to fight my way to health. There’s no middle ground for me. It’s as if I’m on a roller coaster mentally. I’m not sleeping well as I guess my subconscious is trying to work out everything while I’m asleep. I want to push away all of the kind-hearted friendships I have and at the same time, I want someone to take care of me, baby me, hold me and help me. It’s not easy being in this situation. Not easy for them, nor me. I don’t think my kids can grasp the idea either and they’ve been through a lot with me.

Maintaining a steady course feels impossible. I’ve been reading, researching and that has caused a lot of fear to massively inch its way into my psyche. Sure, I realize people have this surgery everyday and I’m not an abnormality as so many people tell me stories about people they know who have had the surgery and ‘been fine’ afterwards. I don’t care to hear any more stories. I know that sounds selfish, but I can’t handle it.

I’m frustrating, I know that. I can’t even keep up with how I feel moment to moment so how could anyone else?

Where Did “I” Go?

I lost myself along the way. I don’t know how or why I let that authentic me fade away. Well, I guess I know why – because life got in the way, responsibilities, family, kids, divorce, financial and health issues and now look at me. Sometimes I feel like a shadowy figure of my true self. Where the hell did I go?

And who am I? When I dare to go within and reach down to the touchstone of who I am, there’s a void there that was once fulfilled and filled. Overflowing with life, enthusiasm, joy and love. Unafraid to say yes to life, to be goofy, to be present and to be herself. Confident to show her true self without fear. Feeling loved, self-love and appreciated by others. One who smiled without needing encouragement, connected easily with others and who loved life itself.

That self is a mere whisper, so faint that I can barely hear her and I don’t think you can either. But there’s an inner strength within her that is calling me out to write. To figure out how and if I can manage to navigate these coming troubled waters in regards to fixing the heart via surgery. Because yes, my heart is broken. But do I even want to try to go through western medicine to fix it?

There are a lot of layers to my pain and how I arrived at this juncture in my life. I’ve been peeling back the layers for awhile now, hoping to pinpoint the wrong fork in the road I chose so that I could get back on track. But that hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps it’s just as well for that wouldn’t change much. It would only increase the guilt of not being perfect in my choices.

I know I’m hard on myself. If you think I’m hard on you, think again, for I am way worse on me. Nothing I had thought my life would be has occurred the way I planned. Somewhere along the way, I lost me and I can’t find me again. I’m digging through the debris, but there’s no sign, no marker to even show I’m even digging in the vicinity.

God help me that I’m still trying even though there are moments when I want to bail and just let life continue on without modern medicine fixing me. Enjoy what little I have left and do it without fear of reprisal, judgment etc. but that’s not my reality at this point. Too many people rely on me for me to be so selfish, even though I’d like to dare it.

That’s how I’m feeling at this juncture. The evolution of finding me continues…a lifelong adventure that apparently is here to stay.

Just Existing

I think that’s how I can sum up how I feel lately. I’m just existing. Not exactly finding pleasure or joy in the world, but not terribly, nor completely miserable. Just existing. Like the bobber floating on the water’s surface, not really moving, but being moved occasionally by the fisherman (Universe?) or the circumstances. Either way, it’s like a blank sheet of paper without a pen. A holding pattern with no trail to follow.

I know it’s all going to change shortly as I’m scheduled for open heart surgery in the near future. I’ve already had a few health circumstances that shook my world up and turned it upside down. I’m sure that this one will do similarly. So I guess I should be happy that I’m in this sorta steady holding pattern at the moment. But I’m not.

I don’t want to just exist here on this planet. I know from whence I come and I want to go back. While I won’t take my own life, there are times where I just don’t want to be here and I wonder if people who know me in real life understand that at all. Or even are aware of it.

I have told a few trusted spiritually ascending friends. I believe they understand and I know of one who feels similarly. But the majority just don’t get it and when/if I bring up that perhaps my time here is up, they immediately begin to tell me how much I mean to them, how I have to fight for my health and how it’s all going to be ok.

I want to scoff aloud, but I don’t because I know they are well-meaning and truly feel that way. But the bigger picture is that I lost my will to live awhile back. My heart’s been broken for awhile now. Even though I’d like to be here for my children, it feels like too much energy to exert on this broken-hearted body which barely has enough energy to get up each morning and function in the basics.

People don’t understand all that I’ve endured, nor do they get what’s really coming for me with the open heart surgery and healing process afterwards. It’s easy to throw the words around that they’ll be here, keep me in their prayers etc., but it’s me who’s fighting that battle to heal. I just don’t know if I care to do it.

Does that make me lazy? Mean? Careless? Selfish? or simply truthful?

The Theraphi Experience

I had a session of Theraphi almost two months ago. Have you ever heard of Theraphi? You can read about it here. It’s a healing modality, but my world got turned upside down in that session like it never had before, nor since.

You see, I left my body. I felt my human suit open (unzipped by the group of white beings surrounding the table I was lying on) and my light body inside began to float up into the sky. I felt like I was flying. I saw and experienced, the clouds, the sky, the sun, the stars, and finally landed on another planet. I believe it was Venus.

Then, I left that planet and moved beyond our galaxy. Soaring in my light body for what seemed like ages, through the darkness glittering with beautifully full stars, I landed again, beyond our knowingness onto another plane. There, I was greeted by other similar light bodies who welcomed me.

I was home!! I KNEW I was home. As they gathered around me, I felt a such an incredible whoosh of peace and knowledge. As if I had no more questions; I knew everything there was to know about life. All knowing and so comfortable there, I rejoiced with them. Finally feeling as if I were home again. I remember smiling throughout my entire being with utter peace, love and light within me. I was the most happy, content, at peace, I had ever remembered being.

However, that peaceful contentment was disturbed when I was ‘told’ telepathically, that I had to return (to earth), that I had a job to do, that I knew I had signed up for it and it wasn’t completed. But I didn’t want to go back. I wanted to stay. With a part of my soul that felt as if it were ripped from me, I felt as if I suddenly and clunkily landed back into the human suit where white beings who were surrounding me were stuffing clouds into the human suit around my light body and zipping me back up again in order to be presentable to the earth. (Their last words to me were ‘zircon’ which I later purchased and now wear around my neck.)

I remember stirring when the Theraphi operator came into the room to let me know that my time was up. Only 15 minutes had passed since I had laid on the table, but time had been warped for the experience. When I opened my eyes, I knew I was back and began to cry. While I understood that my fate was to be returned here to complete the soul journey, I didn’t want to accept it. Everything felt differently now that I was back from the experience. I knew that I didn’t belong here. I felt utterly isolated from the human experience and the seemingly 3D human crisis’ that I hadn’t wanted to deal with before this return from my ‘home’ and people. The otherworldly feeling has continued with me to this day.

It has not been easy living this way.

Ringing Ears

Ringing ears and chills although I’m under an electric blanket. That only means one thing, that spirit, the knowing, my intuition wants to speak so I quickly opened my computer and started to type. Here they are…

Hold steadfast to your dreams. Allow the fruits of your labors too flourish. There is nothing stopping you except yourself. The knowing is increasing if you don’t stop it. Be sure to keep positive the emotional balance in your life. Be free from others’ judgments. One does not walk alone, but instead with vestments of love and compassion for our fellow humans, animals, plants and the world at large. We are all a family here even though mistakenly you (the public) do not realize that we are all connected.

Hurt your fellow man and we all feel the hurt. Be hurt by your fellow man, and we are all hurt. So the opportunity to heal is here.

Plan, but do not be surprised when plans go awry. We are taking the wheel so stumbling may occur. But it is in your best interest to stumble as we are looking out for you. We don’t want you to fail, so when you plan something that isn’t what should be, we are rearranging as needed.

Time is of the essence. Get your feet on the ground and center yourself. You’re in for a whirlwind of change and chaos as it rearranges what is not for you, what is not working and what is meant to be. Do not be frightened, but instead fear not. We are with you. Protecting you and holding you close to us.

Sorting and shifting (chills received) are ways in which we maximize what is coming to you, leading you, to enlighten you, to increase your knowledge, you empowerment and your wisdom. Listen to the winds. Listen in the silence. We are there whispering and feeding you what it is you already knew, but need guidance with in your life.

Did I See A Ghost?

December 29 – I want to write this before I forget it because it was startling what happened. My son was outside walking the dog. He wasn’t supposed to be outside for more than a few minutes so while I was cooking dinner, I checked out the window to make sure all was ok, and it was. I could see him and the dog clearly even though it was getting dark because it was after sunset.

A few minutes went by and I looked outside again. Behind my son’s left shoulder was a young man. He was standing next to my son and the dog was on the leash in front of my son. I wondered who stopped by our house to see the dog (because he’s a new puppy). I figured it was one of my older son’s friends considering the person was a full head taller than my son.

He was dressed in a dark jacket and jeans, had dark hair and a friendly smile on his face. He looked to be about 25 years old. I couldn’t really see who he was though, and couldn’t figure out which friend of my sons’ he was. I was standing in the window looking out trying to figure it out when my son looked up and waved to me. And the other person did too. I waved back and then decided to go outside to see who this was.

But to my complete and utter disbelief, when I asked my son who the person was next to him (and he was no longer there when I got outside), my son said there hadn’t been anyone with him. He’d been alone outside with the dog. My mouth gaping open, I kept asking him who stopped by to say hello and stand with him outside with the dog. But he kept looking at me as if I were crazy because there hadn’t been anyone.

But I know that I saw someone with him. Clear as day and as a solid person. Even writing this brings me a sense of centering as if the knowing affirms this. I am not frightened, just curious and I want to know more…

This is not the first time this has happened. I saw my Mom two weeks after she passed, standing in my kitchen smiling. She wasn’t transparent, but instead looked as if she were really there. I blinked and kept looking at her thinking that my eyes were playing tricks on me because I had come into the house from the bright sunny day outside. But she stayed there for a few minutes and I was locked into place. I was smiling so big and said, “Hi Mom. So good to see you.” I remember being transfixed just seeing her standing there. Within a minute when I closed my eyes again, she vanished. But I knew in my heart that she had come to let me know that she is with me. I feel her often here so I know that to be true.

But I have no idea who this man was…do you?

Called To Wear Moldivite

I awoke this morning hearing the knowing tell me ‘wear moldivite’ and because I had a piece, I have stuck it in my pocket. I may go out and get a cage to wear as a necklace. In the meantime, it is safely with me and I can feel its energetic vibrations. I have it accompanied with Libyan Desert Glass for added strength.

Moldivite: Transformation, spiritual evolution, cleansing, spiritual projection

Libyan Desert Glass is a transformational stone as well that offers up powerful enhancing energies that directly resonate with one’s solar plexus, sacral, and third eye chakra. Your personal will, will soon undertake a ‘rebirthing’ effect and be revitalized with true interstellar powers. One will notice the increased amount of control they have over themselves and their decision making abilities. Libyan Desert Glass helps one through their own ascension process and attunes their energies to that of the ether.

As it is New Year’s Eve, I feel it’s very appropriate to have them both with me throughout the transition into the new year of 2022. Something is changing here. I can feel it. I don’t have excitement for it, but a patient wait and see what evolves, unfolds and develops as the day goes by.

Have you ever worn moldivite? I know many people can’t handle its energies for too long. I wore it for a bit, but then felt as if it weren’t required anymore until now. It is a powerful energy. I would love to hear if you’ve had any experiences with it!

Open Channel

One of my favorite hymns is “Make Me A Channel of Your Peace.” The reason I’m sharing this is because of what happened to me yesterday. You know, we just had the Lion’s Gate (8/8 Portal) and as I understand it, the changes, the upgrades, the integrations are now just starting to begin. I am no exception to this. So let me tell you what is happening to me. If something similar is happening to you, please reach out. I’d like to connect with you.

I awoke at 5:42 am (again, it’s been happening a lot lately at that same time). Of course, when I add up the numbers they come to 11 which is my favorite number, so perhaps it’s not surprising. Oh there’s so much to say, I’m not quite sure where to begin.

I awoke with voices in my head. Murmurs of all different people’s voices, though I wasn’t able to identify anyone as someone I knew. I wasn’t even able to understand what they were saying, but I knew what the gist was – they were praying and requesting help. That I knew for sure.

There’s a scene in the movie Bruce Almighty where Bruce gets to be God-like and suddenly is tuned into the open channel of the billions of prayer requests at one time. Do you remember that scene? Well, that’s what it was like for me. Seriously. I know it sounds like a story to tell it, but it’s true.

My body reverberated and I had chills running up and down the length of me. I closed my eyes and I was still in my home, but I could still hear the voices in my head. It unnerved me. At first I thought I was losing my mind, but then I realized what was happening. I was tuning into the open channel. Like turning the dial on a radio, I had picked up and was receiving on that energy frequency. AMAZING!

I remember closing my eyes because it was really early in the morning and in the semi-darkness of early morn, I tried to concentrate on what I was hearing – to distinguish what was being said or in hopes that I could recognize and identify one of the voices, but I couldn’t.

So I got out of bed and began my morning routine, albeit more slowly than normal and with a bit of difficulty. When I was finished, the voices had subsided and even though focusing was more difficult than normal, I sat outside with my coffee to just be and to allow whatever wanted to come, to come. And it did. I was led to forgive and to cut cords to those in my prior life with whom are estranged. Again. Those connecting cords seem to grow back every once in awhile, so when the message comes, I listen.

I thought I was doing better as the sunshine enveloped me, warmed me and felt healing. I had a friend coming to visit for awhile and when she got there, she took one look at me and asked what was going on. Because my body was shaking visibly even though I wasn’t aware of it. Can you imagine how strange that was to hear? I put my hand out to test what she was saying and saw the tremor in my hand. Immediately, I felt the whoosh through my body as if, in that one moment of clarity, of seeing the tremor that I was’t aware of in my human body, was the catalyst for the voices to cease.

I stumbled through the words of telling her what had happened to me and how I was feeling. She too got the chills of confirmation and was able to Know even more since another friend had experienced something similar to mine. While we processed the experience together, I was given the tools to be able to tap in and also learn to put aside the open channel in order to complete human tasks needed, I felt infinitely better by the end of the day.

I have heard about Mediums who will tell those spirits who are desperately interrupting the Medium’s human life routine that the channel is not open at the moment, but that they can return later. I think this is my lesson as well.

Do you have any similar experiences?